Inspired by the historical and literary outpourings of the good people at Kuten, I have decided to use my meager knowledge of the Japanese language to translate into the English language, for the first time, several excerpts from the work of the preeminent master of the onnagata’s art and all-around tranny, Mizuumi Gekkeiju (湖 月桂樹). While Mizuumi’s book mainly applies to the art of boys gussying up to pass themselves off as pretty women, the Japanese have long applied the broad lessons elaborated upon in her* classic manual on strategy, “The Way of the Lady Boy” to such far flung fields as business, robotics research, ramen noodle stand proprietorship, and swordsmanship.
* While politically correct western audiences sometimes ask which gender of pronoun Mizuumi preferred, because the most consistently applied pronoun of the native Japanese roughly translates as “honorable and august sage and progenitor of the revered sacred rites of the refined elegant emanations overflowing with ephemeral aesthetic paroxysms of satori rapture,” most contemporary English writers default to the feminine.
Introduction
I have been many years training in the Way of Strategy, the ultimate realization of which is my Way of the ladyboy. The tranny is one who has mastered strategy. Overwhelming the enemy’s capacity for sexual identification, they crush the foe’s spirit under the terrible might of their male representation of the feminine ideal. Wielding the power of aesthetics, they force their opponent to appreciate and adore them: men cannot help but find themselves maddeningly attracted, women are thrown into a jealous frenzy. This is what is meant by strategy.
From my youth I have immersed my heart in the study of becoming totally fabulous. I first cross-dressed at the age of thirteen, slaying the able effeminate Onna Mitai of the Roriita Fasshon school with this lovely dress and pinafore combination that was just to die for. At sixteen, I defeated the mighty bigot Douseiaiken’o no Ijimekko, who afterwards became one of those obnoxious gits who scream “We recruit” at gay pride parades. At twenty-one I began my effeminate's pilgrimage. Travelling the nation I overcame the heterosexuality of all manner of stud-muffins, never once failing to win their hearts though I had as many as sixty boyfriends... And no, I am not a slut, you're just jealous.
When I turned thirty, for the the fifth year in a row, I looked at myself in the mirror of my compact and concluded that my past victories were not due to my mastery of prettiness. Rather, it was because my opponent’s were too lacking in discernment and taste. As the years passed, I studied night and day to grasp the true way until at last I achieved it, at the age of thirty.
Putting on Foundation
Strategy is the craft of the tranny. There are many ways in this world. The Way of the drunken Japanese businessman, the Way of directing outlandish pornography, the Way of the obsessive hikikomori Otaku fanboy masterbator. Each practices as their character flaws dictate. While others have been known to be gorgeous, the Way of the Ladyboy is different in that it is based on gaining victory over the will of others. By vying against their foes in a battle of cunning, the tranny confounds their very sexuality, controlling their opponent and imposing upon them the belief that they are an attractive member of a sex which they are not.
Outfits
Every outfit has it’s place. The cartoonish hulagirl costume is preeminent over beach terrain while the mink coat is effective when fighting on snowy fronts such as the spot in hockey arena parking lots where zambonis go to take a dump. Even that risque ballerina costume you keep hidden in your closet can be put to good use while singing “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead” at your enemy’s funeral. A true strategies should have no preferences. They must be gorgeous in whatever manner the occasion demands.
In modern times there are many drag queens who insist on large breast forms while other’s swear by the more petite boob. This shows how degenerate the spirit of strategy has become today. The master strategist is not dependant upon cup size, but uses all the power at their disposal to force their opponent to want to fondle them. There is no drag queen alive in the world today who truly understands this art.
Comportment
To achieve the gaze of the master strategies one must slightly narrow one’s eyes. This gives the impression that you’d totally rather check out your own eyelashes than your opponent. Some people who are beguiled by the false strategy practiced in other schools, mostly high schools, favor pouty lips and that whole “sultry” look. This makes you look like a whore and is not the true way.
I dislike the three walking methods, “flutter-step,” “prancing-foot,” and “floaty stride.” The proper method of the true strategist is to stick one’s butt out and sashay.
Purse-Cutter
The Purse-Cutter is a powerful technique guaranteed to work against any but the most sissified of opponents. To perform this technique, grasp your short sword firmly in your right hand, but loosely, with the waggling limp-wristedness of a hysterical broad from a Fleischer Brothers cartoon. From there, draw the blade against your scrotum and castrate yourself. At this point your opponent should have passed out from shock. From here you may proceed to go to town with your make-up bag and doll them up like an 18th Century strumpet for your own amusement. The principal behind this technique is to confuse the enemy with notions about how much balls it takes to do such a thing. This technique is only really effective the one time.
Applying Rouge
If the Purse-Slicer fails, you're dealing with a first rate pantywaste, a dangerous foe indeed! Such an opponent is liable to make menstruation jokes at you with all the finesse of a contemporary lady comedian doing stand-up. The one defence against this technique is Applying Rouge. To unleash this devastating attack, spatter your enemy’s coat with your blood while screaming, “fur is murder!” If your opponent isn't wearing any fur, try throwing a cat at them first.
The Book of The Void
The highest realization of my way of strategy is this, my book of void. In order to attain the void, you must dwell upon the following precept: be what you would seem to be–or, if you’d like it put more simply–Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise. You must study this.
By being without being, and other cryptic, mystical hokum and harumscarum, you can maintain your feminine charms even when presenting in an outwardly masculine way. You'll be able rock the baggy boy jeans and dumpy men's hoodies while the fashionistas gush admiringly at your elegance. Others will applaud your lady-like poise as you squat emphatically and do your best Toshiro Mifune impression: “Hmm! Samurai!” You'll even be able to finally convince your boyfriend that as the girl in the relationship you really ought to be the pitcher rather than the catcher.
- MIZUUMI GEKKEIJU
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