The last days of June. Rain and Sun. The winds speak of High Summer. I look out from the Laurier Avenue Bridge over the limpid waters of the canal, the bustling of festival goers, and towering above them all, the bastion of Peace, Order, Good Government, and Summer Sale Bonanzas. As our beloved Fête Nationale descends once more onto an unsuspecting drunkulation, I feel Geist emerging from the Platonic shadowverse into my heart of hearts. A song of rapture weaves itself in my soul. I am compelled through psycho-national forces to enumerate six things in my that I love about this glorious country of ours.
What I love About Canada – A List in Six Acts
The Great Bear Council. Canada is a country made up of diverse nations. The English, the French, the Natives, the Inuk, and of course, the flesh-eating Bear People. In what other country can one see the antagonisms of all of these different interests (some of them, I may add, hostile to the state) represented within the same Parliamentary framework? Founded in 1897 as a chamber of “sober second mauling”, the Great Bear council is the third level of our tri-cameral legislative system. Bear members, (or “GRAKHWAGS!” in traditional appellation) are elected once every spring to modify legislation, mostly through ripping and biting. The Council has the right to send legislation back through the Senate and the House if the bears can be successfully tranquilized and/or distracted by traditional pots of “The Queen’s Honey”. Recent corruption scandals and questions as to its “modern relevance” have not tarnished the potency of this council due to its high level of attendance and severe culture of open-palmed slapping.
Prohibition. Canada has been lucky enough to have prohibition in full enforcement since the 1990’s, due to the national tragedy of the “Great Halifax Banana Crisis”, the less said of which, the better. Suffice it to say that Canadians, as a naturally temperate and sober people, have never felt the need to consume alcohol as much as other more belligerent nations such as Fiji or the Great Mughal. In fact, the hatred of beer in particular is one of the defining characteristics of the Canadian national identity. “We love our ice!,” screams a popular tv commercial, “we love our hail, our freezing algae filled waters, we love our great Canadian Juice!”. Incidentally, our national juice, Crabapple Tabernoutine, is starting to gain ground in American States, and is available for purchase at most Burger Kings north of the Mason-Dixon.
The Goon-Lag System. Another great thing about Canada is our intolerance of goony people. Canada, like everybody else, hates awkward quiet people who are probably nice on the inside. But unlike most nations (such as our not so clever neighbor to the South…French Guiana), Canada is not afraid to learn from history’s most dismal mistakes. Recently our Government, headed by the Preservative Party of Canada, has enacted the National Goon-Lag Bill, modeled of the Soviet Gulag. This new disciplinary measure allows the Canadian government to legally detain “goony” people (defined as anybody who is “weird, awkward, listens to ICP, stares too long without talking at a party etc.”) for an indefinite and itchy period of time in a dismal looking detainment camp (or as it’s known in Canada, a Chesterfield). These goons are then put to work on National Infrastructure projects, such as the Beaver Lumber Memorial for Lost Toonies.
Universal Elf-Care. Little-known fact for my American friends – in Canada, we provide free Elf-Care for all elves, goblins, nixes, brownies, pixies, dryads, djinni and little people. Unfortunately the system does not cover leprechauns due to a loophole in the EU’s controversial Pot ‘o Gold Act 2012.
Canucko-Realism. The official aesthetic doctrine of the Canadian peoples, best exemplified by the output of our propaganda organ the “National Film Board”. Canadian art of whatever medium must ALWAYS follow the criteria of:
- "Red" and "Green" must appear at least once in the work (either as concept, actor, colour, color, through emotional symbology, or as duct tape art)
- Creaky, disproportionately loud footstep and floorboard sound effects
- Comedy must not incite laughter by any means
- Death must occur
- French characters must be cats
- Wheat must occur
- English characters must be dogs
- No swearing in Quebecois unless it is directed to a prostitute (or as they are called in Canada, a Chesterfield)
Shadow-Bureaucracy. Just like any other non-fascist (or is it "un-fascist"?) bastion of freedom, Canada’s government comprises a rather burdensome and unfriendly bureaucratic system. However, Canadian policy realized early on that this was super SUS. Not to mention absolutely WTF in some important capacities. Therefore, in Canada, we have developed a semi-legal but nonetheless entirely recognized and formal “shadow bureaucracy”. For every civil servant that is hired, another member is recruited for the shadow bureaucracy based on an exact opposite transposition of the original person’s CV. So whereas the original applicant may be a “male Masters of Public Administration with experience in international development”, the Shadow Bureaucracy applicant would have to be a “five-to-seven headed hydra with a taste for tadpole flesh.” While the Canadian Government is known for its benefits, pension, and job-security, the Shadow Bureaucracy actually costs money to join, is liable to irrational job cuts, and ends careers of long-time employees with a trip to the Guillotine (or as it’s called in Canada, a Chesterfield).
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