Dr. Spring Breaker vs The Revolution

The world is on the brink of destruction, as per usual. It's Easter Saturday 9:40 p.m. a.d. 2013 and the holy ghost isn't due for a good little while. I see no reason why I shouldn't go see a film about the scantily.

Draped over a divan of cinema chairs, jackets, and pre-packed contraband cookies and coke, I took it upon myself to sit back and chew the millennial cud. Harmony Korin's latest, Spring Breakers, Scarface for the Hello Kitty generation, was about to start its cheerful jaunt down the beachwalks of depravity, and my critical faculty was set to slowcooker poignant. 

THE PREVIEWS

As I said, the world was on the brink of destruction, as per usual. I did not need Rob Stewart to remind me, with all the eloquence of a beached lawnmower, that I needed to begin "engaging with different governments, engaging with different corporations". The 8th graders sitting behind who snuck in to the movie might have sympathized with his "pothead high schooler reading Hamlet aloud in class" delivery of what may very well have been a new Declaration of the Rights of Mermaids...I remained, beyond passive, annoyed. If he was going to start me thinking seriously about evolution (insert big red "R" before previous word in 2 seconds), he could have at least had the decency to be ugly.

Does it not seem that we are getting a little lazy in our Jeremiads?  I am not saying it isn't appropriate to address the question of inevitable human destruction in the cinema. Far from it. I am more concerned with what I detect to be an odious optimism in the film's preview. I posit that there are certain epic conventions that come with attempting to agitate by means of propaganda. These conventions are as sacred as the Three Unities, and ought never to be tampered with. They include:

• Shrill organ music
• Intertitles with nonsensical French slogans
• Sweaty Arabic politicians listing off complaints on their fingers
• V for Vendetta masks
• Cheeky animated depictions of the "oil situation"
• Bearded eastern European professors who harangue with poop jokes
• Black and white only
• An utter pessimism tempered only with off-colour innuendo

Well, I was in such a tizzy, that it took a whole half hour into Spring Breakers to realize most of my grievances were dissipating through the varieties of religious experiences jiggling before my eyes, and the transcendental empiricism of James Franco's marvelous dental situation.

I got … I got SHORTS! Every fuckin' color.

"Well now," I said to myself, "This is how the world should end. Not with a whimper, but with a bang bang bang bang pew pew bang slap stab bang!"

Perhaps some of the optimists among you disagree. Perhaps you really are motivated by films that do well "in Vancouver", that depict a chance for the human race beyond the "artisan grilled-cheese sandwiches until cannibalism" esprit du temps. 

I'm not asking you how you'd like your planet. I'm asking you how you like your movies. Remember when the world was going to end in the 60's?

Bitch Don't Kill My Vibrant Academic Atmopshere

It seems that students at Ottawa's Raven University are up in arms again, this time against Rap all-star Rick Ro$ado. The controversy is focused on some lines in his upcoming lecture entitled "HNIC" (an unidentified acronym). Professor Ro$ado apparently quotes a rapacious verse, here transliterated for the common reader into normalized English:

"Putting various potables into her beverage, of which she is none the wiser. I then proceeded to enjoy her in flagrante delicto, with her none the wiser, ho ho."

But Raven students are having none of it. A petition has gone up to keep the controversial academic from giving his sold-out lecture on campus.

"We can't stand by and let this sort of sexist smut be promulgated on a University campus" says Christine McSneeze, a 3rd year student writing her thesis on her two favourite works, Ovid's Metamorphoses and the Marquis de Sade's Justine.

"It's outrageous the things he says about women. Guns, violence, rape...Who says we can talk about these things just like that? The money and time spent on this show could be used for something beautiful, like a production of Titus Andronicus, or a bust of my favourite philosopher, Friedrich NietzCHA."

 Ranked by MacLeod's Magazine as "Canada's Most Outraged University", Raven has a long history of protest. This sense of left-wing working class resistance stretches back to its earliest days as "Raven College", founded in 1942 as a training school for canine veterans of the second world war. Since then, the school's bark has been consistently and progressively growing in relation to its bite. In the last decade, students from Raven have led campaigns against:

-Abortions on Campus
-Anti-Abortions on Campus
-Israeli Abortions on and off Campus
-Cystic Fibrosis or "The White Man's Disease"
-Gaybortionism on Campus
-Student Fees
-Cystic Feebortionism
-Anti-Student Association Non-Fees
-The Collected Works of Catullus, Chaucer, Shakespeare, and other major rapists of the canon

Yet it seems like all the public scrutiny has mollified the heart of Ro$ado, gentle giant, to the fairer sex. Upon learning that his music would be pulled from ethically conscious radio stations across North America, Ro$edes spoke a sincere speech later forwarded as an email attachment to the world (again, sanitized into standard English):

"Who doubts my appreciation for the fairer sex? There was misapprehension in your interpretations. I would never utter the phrase "non-consensual" in my work. The community will not abide it. Hip hop will not abide it. I just want to address all the females on my social networking platforms... I brook it not!"

Water Margin Clan

LIANG SHAN CLAN PUTTING FAR EAST COAST RAP BACK ON THE MAP

Album: Enter the Marshland
Single: "Protect ya Son of Heaven"
Heavenly King Records
Mid-13th Century





Say what you will about how the Song Dynasty rap industry is dominated by Shaolin, Tibetan Lama, Upanishadic, and any of those other West Coast groups - pure, hardcore Far Eastern rap is on the rise again, and no group better represents this than the 108 members of the Liang Shan Clan.

Since the mid-Tang dynasty, rap has been dominated by Buddhist themes and styles focusing on the impermanence of existence and incorporating foreign Sanskrit slang, known on the streets as "Dharma Rap" and "OM Steez" due to the prevalence of the popular Indian word.

With roots going all the way back to the Three Kingdom stylings of Guan Yu and Cao Cao, Liang Shan represents a resurgence in the hardcore eastern banditry style of rapping. Their lyrics are sharp as the various traditional Chinese weapons they wield - Tiger fork, Guan Dao, Horsecutter - but when it comes to throwin down with the mic, Liang Shan cut through diamonds.

"We killin' tigers and shootin' arrows up in dis bitch!" screams Li Kui AKA the Black Whirlwind, the Clan's most wild and exuberant representative.

"We got 72 Earthly Fiends and 36 Heaven Spirits, making up 108 members of the Clan" says the more estoric Wu Yong AKA WZA, whose mythology for the clan stems from various eclectic gang and prison religions (I Ching, White Lotus, Yellow Turbans etc). Although the clan certainly incorporates Confucian, Buddhist and Taoist themes - one of its most popular members is Lu Zhishen the drunken monk - the core of the lyrics focus on the street-style martial arts upbringing of the clan members.

"These guys came from nothing. Criminals, gang members, southern Chinese Taoists - the Liang guys came from nowhere. Now they puttin' the Marsh on the map, see?"

The clan's dark, dirty street inspired production come from DJ Song Jiang AKA Timley Rain aka the TZA, who formed the clan with now deceased member Chao Gai. The sampling and production on their first album, "Enter the Marshland", is unprecedented for the cheapness of the gongs, drums, erhu and flutes used in recording sessions - most of which took place in Song Jiang's basement tea-room.

"Their music always sounds so raw - like you drinkin in a nasty old inn at the side of the road and the crickets be chirpin and the timber be fallin off the roof and shit... Starts rainin, two merchants playin go, wiv some old dude playin on some out o' tune guqin - some rugged ass provincial shit, y'know?"

The Clan origins, according to Song Jiang, are shrouded in the warrior past of all the members: "we had all these bandits and warrior types, and they was fightin and killin and trying to make it big with they lyrics. And they all started  running from the Imperial Guard and shit, and gathering down at my place in this shitty swampy ass area, a place called Mount Liang. And I thought, we need a clan, you know, a real deep clique...They done shit like that up in Shaolin, it's working for the Buddhists, why not us?"


The Clan's violent style is rooted in the traditional Confucian doctrine of saving the Emperor (whom the clan totally respect) from the corrupt advisors around him. But the Clan is all about hip-hop innovation. Previous to the Liang, rap shows typically consisted of only one or two MC's on stage plus DJ. Liang Shan Clan broke new ground by having all 108 members on stage - and the audiences loved it.

"You couldn't beat the energy of those guys" says local tea-shop owner Big Belly Wong. "You just had these chiggas, a hundred or so of em, and they was all just givin' and givin', ya know? You'd have Wu-Song just killing it with a tiger-slaying verse, right, like:

Three bowls don't cross bridge but I throw em back huh
Drunk as fuck tiger style tiger bitch on my back huh
Ain't no tiger it's a pussy im'a crack huh
Pass the bowl, pass the bowl or i'ma attack bruh

And while he doin that right, you got all the other members throwin' up and yelling "LIANG SHAN CLAN! LIANG SHAN CLAN!" and of course you got Black Whirlwind drunk and high as fuck strippin down naked to his chigga ass and just throwin hisself and his two axes all over the fucking place. And then you know you got Song Jiang on the beats, he razor sharp, but then it all cuts out see, and we all hold up our torches and fireworks and shit and pour out a pot of rice wine for CHAO GAI.

RIP CHAO GAI! LIANG SHAN CLAN FOREVER MOTHERFUCKERS!"

The Clan obviously inspires devotion among its fanbase, who insist on purchasing Liang Shan Brand clothes, tea sets, wine gourds, weapons, go boards, even Chinese head rags. And of course, the tattoo designs found on the sleeves and body of "Nine Dragons Shi Jin" are inspiring tons of copycats. Before Shi  Jin, tattoos were considered a sign of a criminal or gang-related past - now it's a pure Hip-Hop fashion statement.


"Don't know what all the fuss be," says Nine Dragons, "I jus' wanted some dragons and shit on ma body. Dragons be mean as fuck. Ain't nobody fuckin wit dem mothafuckers, ya know?"

But perhaps the most inspiring part of the Clan's story are the solo careers. Song Jiang, who conceived of the clan as an act in itself, also planned for the individual members to sign-off on different labels for totally solo adventures. As such, the Clan plans to completely infiltrate the hip hop industry of the Middle Kingdom.

Key members of the Liangshan Clan with big solo albums include:

• Wu Song AKA Tiger Killah, whose album "Tiga Style" is rugged and raw
• Panther Headed Lin Chong, solo album "Only Built for Three-Sectional Staff"
• Lu Da AKA Sagacious Lu the Tattooed Monk, solo album "Iron Enlightened Man"
• Li Kui AKA The Black Whirlwind, solo album "Enter the Marshland Dirty Version: Return to Mount Liang"

And with many more coming from Wu Yong AKA the WZA, the Three Brothers Ruan, and Sun Er Niang AKA The Witch. The Clan are planning a big "Enter the Marshland" album tour of the Middle Kingdom some time in the late Song dynasty.