The Gentleman Choler

The gentleman associate of our refined establishment, laying such stress as he does on precision of the hour, and who, much to his horror, finds that he unwittingly gains a free moment or two through a slip of the schedule between his afternoon game of whist and cucumber sandwiches at brillig, would do well not to panic immediately, but to hold off his girlish peals of despair until he has undertaken a thorough perusal of this emergency pamphlet. We at the Preserves Club have thought up a list of ex tempore advisories and activities which we present in good order for the memorization and careful contingency planning of our punctilious patrons.

Remember that the first step is NOT to panic. The gentleman will be confused. His composure will start to express itself it in harumphs of ever increasing gruffitude. His eyes may start to wander from the safe co-ordinates of drink table and armchair to the more voyeuristic angles of ceiling and hallway tile-counting. We advise the gentleman who starts to notice such symptoms of hysteria, to consult his pocket-watch continuously until the effects start to subside. Consult it with vigour and purpose, knit your brows, place it back in your pocket. Walk a few steps, and yes, consult it again. Repeat until calm.

Now that the gentleman is in a neutralized emotional equilibrium, he can begin in good conscience to plan his escape from the grips of that Tyrant, Free-Time. But first: has the gentleman read the Times thoroughly? And the Gazette? Has he perhaps considered condescending to the Post for a lark? Or, if he's really feeling frisky, the Community Bulletin? If he has despairingly answered yes to the preceeding questions, we must recommend that he turn to some more explicitly lurid reading materials. As distasteful as it may sound, there is no sounder cure for an extra few seconds than the stimulation of base, lustful desire in the under-cummerbundical regions. Accordingly our gentleman will betake himself to Shame Hall immediately to choose an appropriate booth, each stocked with the foulest forest of depraved literature we could legally acquire. We suggest starting with the latest Garfield to really get his ginger snapping.

If our gentleman is not feeling up to the litterae humaniores, we might suggest that he take an afternoon constitutional. Such promenades have not been unheard of on the Continent, and a similar institution at Boston has recently implemented a strolling regimen for all its club members to universal approbation and vomiting. We realize that the world outside the Club is large, and largely, frightening. We have therefore taken the precaution of directing the gentleman's steps with a trail of finely painted leather-patent footprints (Italian, continental sizing 43). These lead all throughout the town, down to the harbour, up through the square, and back safely to the club; the gentleman need not fear that he might err into dangerous alleyways or offensive foodstufferies. We cannot account for the safety of any member who steps off the trail. Josiah Gudburp, esq., disappeared in this very way, stepping aside as he did one day for a rather dubious cat and dog combination charging towards his intended trajectory. He was found two weeks later, done up in a jester's outfit, dead, and quite pickled, in a barrel of marshmallow brine water. Gentleman, take heed. If no heed is available, take it cold two times a day. There's a good lad.

After his walk, the gentleman will certainly want to do something to sooth his over-stimulated nerve-endings. To this end we recommend an activitiy from the feminine sphere, shopping. Bookstores, record shops, and knick-knackeries are always a good choice, and provide the gentleman with ample opportunity for practicing the classical art of eavesdropping. The gentleman with an ear tuned to the risqué will be amplifiably rewarded. He will hear stories of price-mark downs and previous purchases. He will be hear squabbles between couples over which mantle decoration to buy. He will hear the sweet romancing of a cashier in his illicit transactions with multiple patrons. The gentleman's frisson will be considerable. If he is careful, he might even engage in some conversation himself. Asking for a price-check on some item is a good start, but requires boldness of character. Our more phlegmatic members will satisfy themselves with an accepted greeting, a  "hello", "afternoon", or "good plague" on entering the store. Do not be hesitate to sit down after such exertions.

If the gentleman still has time left-over, he may make his way over to the Public House for a pint of something and a chat with the lads. The gentleman may order any beer he pleases, with the caveat that any fruit-flavoured beverage may lead to a rather unpleasant assault on linen, silk, and starch known in common dialect as a "wedgie". If the gentleman will direct his eyes upwards, he may catch the latest sporting event on television. He should feel free to gasp whenever an object moves on the field. When the figures on the television seem agitated, he should begin gyrating and grunting so as not to seem out of the loop. He may at this point engage his chair-mates in conversation. Speak anything on your mind, so long as you have undergone a mental check of a fifteen minutes dwelling on the idea, so as to ensure maximum efficiency of word order, emphasis, and vocabulary. If you can insert the term "tits" anywhere in your discourse, you will win favour with the vox populi. There is only one thing that should be considered taboo among the plebeians, and that is the finer accoutrements of a manor squire's salon. This includes the new Renoir you've acquired for the drawing room, for envy knows no bounds. Talk instead about a new tool you've acquired. Maybe a wrench? Or a fine 18th century Venetian trowel?

With these many activities, we consider the gentleman's time as good as spent, and that bothersome portion of his life as good as over and done with. He may now attend to his Ox-Bladder on Toast in security of his future. If, unfathomably, he somehow exhausts the contents of this list, either through an unsavoury heat of the blood leading to extensive activity, or a particularly long life (and good hale to him!), we have devised the following methodology for creating your own amusements from scratch: first, open the issue of Earblocker's Quarterly we have appended to this form. Select three words at random through a handy Sortes Virgillianae. Distribute these words, using appropriate conjunctions and particles, into a coherent course of action. Do you have it? Is it bold? Startling? Has your psyche subconsciously put together a wild and tempting new source of adventure that you are raring to attempt? Excellent. You may now recreate the scene using paste (provided) and coloured macaronies (provided). Display it at Pumperknickel Square, and prepare to be the new gallant homme of the club. Do not attempt any activity beyond this without consulting the club physician.