In my capacity as an interpreter of human behavior and amateur psychologist, I have made it my business to sort through not just the greatest of human endeavors, but the refuse and dregs of mankind’s common cultural inheritance. I firmly believe that every idea, no matter how ridiculous it sounds at first, contains a spark of the divine genius that defines our species, that spark of brilliance that puts noble and creative words into the mouths of the young and old, the urban and rural, the rich and the poor alike. It is due to this conviction that I have spent much of my life retrieving from obscurity the discarded brainstorms of so many men and women not lacking in the power to write, merely the confidence to make it known. Often, this means sorting through trash bins. More often than not, one might say. I pay this distasteful task little mind, however, for the rewards are great, and by this I do not simply mean the possibility of acquiring a number of glassware artifacts that might be redeemed for great value at the nearest Liquor Control Board location, but the far more spiritually fulfilling reward of discovering a long-lost manuscript written by some aspiring author without the strength of will required to publish the work. These manuscripts, once retyped at the nearest library, have proved to not only provide enjoyment to many, but also serve as excellent material for cleansing oneself after using the facilities or bushes. Ablutions aside, the value of these documents is immense, and I have therefore commenced publishing them by theme, commencing with those I found covered in some variation of brown sauce. Coincidentally, all those documents are also all stories intended for children that, for one reason or another, never made it to market. I hope it pleases the little tykes even more than staring at my admittedly grotesque face. Gentle reader, for now, consider the following to be a catalogue of interesting works, all of which can be ordered for a small consideration, simply by addressing a letter to the following address:
47 Underthebridge St.
Livingstonipresumeton,
Greenwich Province,
Canada (UK)
Livingstonipresumeton,
Greenwich Province,
Canada (UK)
Thank you for your attention,
Major Sir Basil Marjoram Paprika (Esq.) (BA, MA, PhD, LLB., T&A, BSc, BS, LoL) (Mad)
Major Sir Basil Marjoram Paprika (Esq.) (BA, MA, PhD, LLB., T&A, BSc, BS, LoL) (Mad)
1.
Title: How The Nazis Stole Five Christmases: An Explanation of WWII for Children
Excerpt:
“…But whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes, Hitler stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Jews.”
Title: How The Nazis Stole Five Christmases: An Explanation of WWII for Children
Excerpt:
“…But whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes, Hitler stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Jews.”
2.
Title: The Raven-Haired Whore
Excerpt:
“…Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the crazy hot decorum of the countenance she wore,
`Though thy legs be long and sexy, thou,' I said, `art sure no craven.
With hair the colour raven wandering from the nightly shore -
Tell me what thy business here is on the Night's Plutonian shore!'
Quoth the girl, `I’m a whore.' ”
Title: The Raven-Haired Whore
Excerpt:
“…Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the crazy hot decorum of the countenance she wore,
`Though thy legs be long and sexy, thou,' I said, `art sure no craven.
With hair the colour raven wandering from the nightly shore -
Tell me what thy business here is on the Night's Plutonian shore!'
Quoth the girl, `I’m a whore.' ”
3.
Title: Lamb-Chop’s Sing Along Song Book!
Includes all lyrics to all songs, including the world famous Song that Never Ends. Volumes 1-57 available now, more to be printed soon.
Title: Lamb-Chop’s Sing Along Song Book!
Includes all lyrics to all songs, including the world famous Song that Never Ends. Volumes 1-57 available now, more to be printed soon.
4.
Title: A Children’s Hand book on How to be Gay in 20 easy steps!
Includes easy to follow diagrams on positioning, ratings of various bathroom stalls, and instructions for fundamentally altering your personality and sexual orientation for the sole purpose of disappointing parents. This book will not only indoctrinate young people irreversibly with the homosexual lifestyle, but will also teach them how to convert others to the worldwide homosexual conspiracy.
Excerpt:
“…thus positioned, take the elastic band and use it on your partner in the manner shown in Figure C. Now get in there and go nuts on those nuts! Don’t forget to use the techniques taught in the last chapter!”
Praise:
“This is just the book I’ve been pretending existed for years!”
-Rev. Pat Robinson and others
Title: A Children’s Hand book on How to be Gay in 20 easy steps!
Includes easy to follow diagrams on positioning, ratings of various bathroom stalls, and instructions for fundamentally altering your personality and sexual orientation for the sole purpose of disappointing parents. This book will not only indoctrinate young people irreversibly with the homosexual lifestyle, but will also teach them how to convert others to the worldwide homosexual conspiracy.
Excerpt:
“…thus positioned, take the elastic band and use it on your partner in the manner shown in Figure C. Now get in there and go nuts on those nuts! Don’t forget to use the techniques taught in the last chapter!”
Praise:
“This is just the book I’ve been pretending existed for years!”
-Rev. Pat Robinson and others
5.
Title: Let’s Learn: Bureaucracy!
Excerpt:
Fred the talking Form 12787: ‘So kids, now that we’ve seen the smooth, streamlined, and fun process of acquiring a working visa from the PCTH Bureau through filling out GQH Forms 11 through 54 and inquiring at the VBC desk as to your LKLKLK status while creating a Open Non-Disclosed Disclosure Account (ONDDA), we’ll take a look at how to make actioning work items even MORE fun!’
Title: Let’s Learn: Bureaucracy!
Excerpt:
Fred the talking Form 12787: ‘So kids, now that we’ve seen the smooth, streamlined, and fun process of acquiring a working visa from the PCTH Bureau through filling out GQH Forms 11 through 54 and inquiring at the VBC desk as to your LKLKLK status while creating a Open Non-Disclosed Disclosure Account (ONDDA), we’ll take a look at how to make actioning work items even MORE fun!’
FUN-ocracy Phil: ‘But don’t forget to fill out the general information section on the next page – it’s required for us to ship the next chapter to you! It should get there in only 1 to 7 months!’
Praise:
“Even better than taking your kids on a tour of a sausage factory!”
-Ben Borington, Department of Administrative Affairs
“Even better than taking your kids on a tour of a sausage factory!”
-Ben Borington, Department of Administrative Affairs
6.
Title: The Princess and the Penis
Excerpt:
“…and so the princess peeled off layer after layer of covering, searching and searching for that tiny little annoyance that kept her awake all night with its poking and prodding.”
Praise:
“Great puns!”
-No one
Title: The Princess and the Penis
Excerpt:
“…and so the princess peeled off layer after layer of covering, searching and searching for that tiny little annoyance that kept her awake all night with its poking and prodding.”
Praise:
“Great puns!”
-No one
7.
Title: Treasury Island
Excerpt:
“…More than half the marketable Treasury debt outstanding is in the form of notes, while bills and bonds each represent about 20 percent (chart 3). Some of the outstanding bonds are callable securities, which may be redeemed by the Treasury before their maturity; however, only noncallable securities have been issued since 1985.”
Title: Treasury Island
Excerpt:
“…More than half the marketable Treasury debt outstanding is in the form of notes, while bills and bonds each represent about 20 percent (chart 3). Some of the outstanding bonds are callable securities, which may be redeemed by the Treasury before their maturity; however, only noncallable securities have been issued since 1985.”
8.
Title: An Illustrated History of the Children’s Crusades For Children
Excerpt:
“These were thousands and thousands of children just like you, except that they were poor and hungry and forced to leave behind their parents (if they had any), and they all, ALL died, and they died because they loved God and wanted to do some good for the world. Here’s a picture of one of them being sold into slavery by a rich French knight, who was assigned to protect him and whom he deeply and implicitly trusted.”
Title: An Illustrated History of the Children’s Crusades For Children
Excerpt:
“These were thousands and thousands of children just like you, except that they were poor and hungry and forced to leave behind their parents (if they had any), and they all, ALL died, and they died because they loved God and wanted to do some good for the world. Here’s a picture of one of them being sold into slavery by a rich French knight, who was assigned to protect him and whom he deeply and implicitly trusted.”
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