St. Hungry Hungry of Hippo

"I answer that true religion is the golden mean between the ham and the bread; and how can it be otherwise? For we are to eat of our Lord's flesh; is it a base cookie that we ought to munch it bare and without chocolate chips? And therefore why withhold garnishings from the Eucharist? The delicious mustards of Düsseldorf will bear out my argument."

Of all the great theologians, none was ever so erudite, so catholically wide-ranging, and so obese as St. Tubbert de Gourmandise. St. Pointdexter said that "the man never uttered a sentence that didn't contradict itself by the time his stomach ceased to wobble". Indeed, it was St. Tubbert who brought all the differing flavours of Catholocism into a single mammoth system, the great Summa Neapolitana, named after the triple ice-cream which Tubbert took to be the symbol of his entire work. Bringing together Aristotleian logic and metaphysics with the haut cuisine of his home-town, Tubbert toiled night and day for 40 years on his great work, refuting and counter-refuting, scribbling and counter-scribbling, and all the while digesting and counter-digesting. In an effort to rekindle interest in this misunderstood and oft-maligned school of philosophy, the Name Dropper's Book of the Month club has selected some choice cutlets from the great man's magnum opus, for your immediate consumption and hyper-emesis.

From Contra Haereses Gobbledigoocorum (Against the Gobbledigook Heresy)

"... For this reason, we must ask not only if, but how the Gobbledigooks, and indeed all heretics, come to err. St. Tittles was ever wont to ascribe their wayward path to the perversion of the intellect. Contrariwise, St. Gossamer-Pimbsly-Jones-on-the-Fern says it is a question of the will, that they have allowed peversion and sin to enter into their very hearts. Yet I respond that heresy is neither brought about by a peversion of the intellect nor a corruption of the heart, but because of an unsatisfied belly. How can one accept the trinity if one has not tasted the sumptuous triple layered pies of Gourmandise, or the three-flavour cakes of Gascon's Tongue? It is the tummy which must digest the Trinity. It is the stomach which must lead one to faith. Charity and hope are to be found only in the munching of cherries and the sipping of ale; for these turn the mind to right reason, and the heart to right willing, and by the grace of God, turn the bowels to right churning. Amen."

From the Summa Neapolitana

Quaestio 2.2.76) Whether the Albigensian Vegeterianism is truly virtuous?

Objection: It has been said that vegetables are a tasty, nourishing foodstuff that promote healthy body and healthy mind. As cited in the Book of Qualms, "Eat your carrots, oh child of Israel, or thou shalt be denied the toffee of the LORD."

On the contrary: Vegetables grow in the dirt and are the food of lower beasts such as cattle, kine, and Scotchmen. The Philosopher saith: "Where's the beef?"

I answer that: Allegorically the consumption of vegetables is representative of the mortification of the flesh and all that we are to become after our material body passes away. Nevertheless, it is not incumbent to actually eat them, for they are truly gross.

Quaestio 2.4.84) Whether Onion Dip doth surpass Sour Cream?

Objection: It seems as though Onion Dip is superior to Sour Cream, for Augustine says that "bits of Onion remind us of our sins, and garlicky admixture of the ever-abiding presence of God in our inner-selves."

On the contrary: The Philosopher saith: "what is simple is purer in substance, and therefore more perfect in all its parts. God is the purest and simplest substance." Whereat we might determine that Sour Cream is the better dip.

I answer that: For the daily dipping of bread, meat, and fried turnip, Onion Dip, due to its multi-varied substance, is superior fourfold; for allegorically it bespeaks the variety of God's creation, typologically it shows Christ to be purely God (dip) and purely man (onion), morally it instructs us to suffer as Job the chunky and the creamy, and literally, it promotes virtue by making the breath so unsurpassingly foul that sin avoids us, instead of vice versa.

From the Life of St. Tubbert de Gourmandise. 

"...And it happened that Tubbert was not inclined to fight for his father's land, nor to wench with his brothers, but was content to gorge himself on sweetmeats, and thereafter wrote in his ecstacy tracts of a most rapturous devotion. One day his father, thinking to bring his son to vice, prepared for him a mighty cake, wherein was cunningly placed a whore, to coax Tubbert to manhood. And after a while, Tubbert came contentedly to his father and thanked him greatly for the cake. Neither hide nor hair was seen of the whore thereafter...

And they say that, in his prime years, Tubbert had his library made especially to suit his habits. Between every volume was a loaf of bread, "to keep the bindings straight", and likewise, between each page and parchment of his books was placed everyday a thin wafer, "to encourage me in my devotions and readings". He had fashioned a writing desk that, by means of hinges, could expand indefinitely to match his ever widening girth. Likewise longer and longer quills were needed forthat Tubbert might reach the page with of his writing, until he had grown so large with the love of God that he would merely spit the ink at the page (for he was an expert in all emissions). And this was one of his miracles, that the entire third part of the Summa was dribbled from his jowels..."