You might say that the recent discovery of the Higgs-Boson particle has given new weight to old matter. Nor is this limited strictly to the domain of the physical sciences; it has spread equally to the realms of cultural and romantic practices. Consider the following:
It may have occurred to some of you male readers aged 22-39, perhaps on some casual sit on a park bench, or, in the dusk of a beautiful evening along the canal, that you not only have a female companion at your side, but, what’s more shocking, you suddenly perceive that she is a mass giving object, or at least in league with such pernicious particles that are, even as I write this, compelling your limbs to contort, and to produce from your knapsack unbeknownst to yourself a fantastically expensive piece of jewelry, at which you can only gape in horror as you offer it TO her, like an electron drawn irresistibly to its cash-spending opposite, whereupon it may, as I have hinted, occur to you, as she joyfully screams “I DO!” that you are getting married.
Yes, like the impending explosion of the Sun, your nuptials are approaching.
Thankfully there is ONE aspect of your wedding that you will be not be either responsible or indirectly castratable for. That is of course your own farewell to the masculine first person singular, i.e. your bachelor party.
Having myself recently conducted several rigorous experiments on the subject of bachelor parties, and what is more, put them into theoretical indisputability in my thesis entitled The Higgs-Bosonovabitch Principle – Particle Physics and Androfutility of the Marriageable in the Information Age, I have established myself as the sole expert in the ditch. I have furthermore condensed for popular consumption a practical addendum to the aforementioned work, which I encourage all soon-to-be-groomed’smen to read, entitled:
A Case Study for Putting on an Empirically "Awesome" Bachelor Party
Operative or Thematic? This first axiom was given to me by a philosopher, citing Eugene Fink, at the above-mentioned bachelor party in-between mouthfuls of peanut-butter ice-cream and blue-berry pie. The gist of the matter is that one must pre-determine which elements of the party will be thematic, and which operative.
A thematic element refers to topical clusters around which the party will gravitate, i.e. "self-overcoming", "the conviction to marry", "why are you such a goddamn wuss" etc. The operative elements are the philosophical and scientific questions addressed inexplicitly in the engagement with the thematic, i.e. the ethics of canoe jousting, the violence inherent in the game of horse-shoes, or the consequences of using multiple pool-noodles to simulate octopode combat scenarios.
Destroy His Lust With Allegory. The Higgs-Boson particle, inexplicable as it is, has only been made current in the media through a variety of metaphors, whether it be compared to a force-field, a jar of peanut butter, or a gigantic shriek-inducing dock spider. The same principle applies on a larger scale to the Higgs-Boson's older cousin, that is, the bachelor himself.
At our party, we ran the groom through a variety of experimento-metaphorical trials, and, to make them more amenable to the comprehension of the layman, took for our model the “deadly sins” of the middle ages.
For example, the LUST trial had the hero take shot with bow and arrow at a target representative of scantily clad pin-up girls. WRATH was the war of all against all made nautical in via a canoe sea-battle. GLUTTONY was the all-meat and booze diet made tantalizingly manifest throughout the day, and for ENVY, a pantomime was put on displaying the past loves and dalliances of to test his resolve, entitled The Lusty Bachelor of Orleans.
For PRIDE, taking the classical Symposium as our model, we each of us gave forth with an ex-tempore speech as to why he should remain single, the gists of which were broadly:
1) Freedom in toto
2) The particular liberty of the single man, viz the laws of motion, resistance, inertia etc.
3) Women are all ****s
4) Women are lovely, it’s the groom who’s a ****
5) The groom is too skinny
6) Dinosaurs
7) Determined amoral mechanism of the universe renders love and beauty meaningless
8) The groom’s fiancé is stronger than he is
9) The groom’s fiancé’s twin brother fancies him more than she does
Candy Strippers. The question of strippers is a hotly debated topic, or a topic debated hotly, depending on the tip. This traditional element is not strictly speaking a necessity, since the redundancy factor grows rather quickly. Scientifically speaking, a comparison chart shows the particle mass of two parallel clusters and the gyrations necessary to set off a reaction, while interesting for educational purposes, hardly need occupy the Hadron (or is it Hardon?) Collider.
Don’t Fuck With Dock Spiders. Another empirically proven fact. These ginormous things are the children of Cthulhu, and if your bachelor party takes place anywhere near a dock, do NOT awaken this particular Old God. Speaking strictly as a scientist, I can honestly say that I have never observed adult males of any species emit, in unison, such a high pitched squeal, nor have I seen a herd of deer prance away so skittishly from a single object.
Presumably nothing comparably pathetic happened at the bachelorette party.
The Aristeia Factor. One phenomenon that modern science has yet to properly account for, and which nevertheless ought to be leveraged at all truly superb bachelor parties. Suffice it to say that the entirety of masculine awesomeness and excellence can be encompassed in a single episodic event in which the particles of dark matter and light itself fuse into a clustered super-particle, increasing the power level of the principle agent to over 9000. If you can, with sufficient goading, alchohol, and BBQ ribs, induce the groom into this state, he will feel like an insurmountable god, and will thereupon totally be up to doing any stupid ass shit you ask him to.
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