7 Disadvantages to Getting a Degree in the Humanities

I hear a lot of talk these days about the advantages of a liberal arts degree; you can scarcely mention the subject to an academic advisor without seeing him leap from his chair to pat you on the back. "Capital! Just capital!" he'll say as he points you towards the future and rifles your pockets for toonies.

But did you know that there are DISADVANTAGES to getting a degree in the Humanities? Unlike Law, Medicine, Business, Engineering etc. these may not be immediately apparent. So before taking your parents' advice to go out and become the next great Wyndham Lewis scholar, consider the following:

1) There is Only One Job in the Humanities. Although it may seem like all of those Humanities graduates are gainfully employed, this is actually only a semi-truth. The fact of the matter is that, due to an unforeseen scarcity issue, the Internal Federation For Younghumanitiesgraduates (or IFFY) passed an ordinance in 1997 requiring that all graduates from liberal arts degrees must share a single job. This unnamed position is rotated on a bi-half-hourly basis and earns the graduate in question the minimum salary of 12.75 dog-biscuits an hour.

2) There are No Girls Allowed in Humanities Programs. This is an unfortunate necessity, arising from various difficulties in passing through narrow classroom doorways with minimal awkward contact. It dates back to St. Pointdexter's original Non Licet Feminae statute  ("no girls allowed!"). Of course, the modern era has found a clever loophole - many women are now happily admitted to Humanities programs on the condition of their adopting a fake mustache, the name "Bertie", and a hastily practiced British accent.

3) Upon Graduation, Humanities Students Must Swear an Oath to Protect Passerine Songbirds. This is known as the "Papageno Pledge" and is taken on by all graduates as way of life for three years,  wherein they must wander the fields singing "too-dee-loo! too-dee-lee!" in search of birds to defend. Nobody quite knows why, but it will necessitate the killing of many cats. Many, many cats.

4) Latin is a dead language. This may seem obvious, but many people mistake the meaning of the phrase. Be aware that Latin is not considered "dead" because nobody speaks it. Quite the contrary. It is called a "dead" language due to a technical detail, viz, that after learning it one gains the uncanny ability to communicate with spirits, ghouls, demons, vampires, mummies, the Old Gods, etc., and that these sanity-devouring children of Beelzebub will haunt your every waking and sleeping moment. In grammatical parlance this is known as "indirect speech".

5) There is Only One Toilet in the Humanities. Although it's possible to use other toilets, it is frowned upon. Students who use other toilets will not be eligible for a degree "summa cum laude".

6) Humanities Graduates are Not Allowed to Vote. This is because they have unfair advantages over everyone else, that is, the ability to read, think, criticize etc. If they were granted suffrage, democracy would snuff-out in an instant and Canada would become an aristocratic, caste-divided society, with Humanities graduates at the top, followed by Shawarma chefs, then Internet Service Providers, then a caste belonging exclusively to the All Books guy, and finally, the-the hoi-hoi polloi.

7) There's Actually a LOT of Math Involved. Contrary to popular belief, you WILL be expected to do some math. To avoid the shame of admitting your absolute incapacity for any quantitative mental operation, avoid the following things:

• Plato's Meno
• Money
• Any professor who claims to teach "intellectual history"
• The Internet
• Anything with roman numerals in the title, Henry IV, Aeneid Book III, iPhones, 13 Dead End Drive etc.
• Most Wu-Tang albums

If you can get over these seven slight hurdles, I can guarantee that the rest of your degree, and consequently, your life, will be smooth sailing! Good luck, sailor-boy.