One Froggy Delusion

The scribble-books of famed Evolutionary scientist, man of letters, and all-round nutter, the late Dr. Spinach Canopener, have shed an interesting, though somewhat pinkish light on his thoughts and experiments. Dr. Canopener was made famous the world over for his evolutionary theories, eccentric sense of humor, and his award winning chicken nugget recipe. The following extracts have been made carefully with a view to presenting him in his entirety - that is, through rigorous censorship and editing. The editorial work, as well as the time consuming project of deciphering Dr. Canopener's crabbed mirror-reverse Fraktur handwriting has all been undertaken by his parrot, Peg-Leg Pete. It was a labour of love, and a love for crackers. We at Tasty Housefrau magazine are glad to present these exclusive extracts which will penetrate through to the scientific community via their wives, who will now have something to talk about at the dinner table other than Frederica Wong's new shaving kit.

-There was a time when we thought Evolution worked in slow, blurry stages with minute differentiations amassing from generation to generation: natura non facit saltus, "nature doesn't hop about." My recent study on the evolution of Leaping Demon Frog of Santiago points to a different theory. To put it metaphorically for the layman, Nature, although normally quite at ease, every once in a while decides to let its hair down, lick a cosmic toad, and make a macaroni picture with DNA strands.

-"The greatest thing about Science is that it opens up new horizons. Figuratively this means new ways of conceiving the world we live in. Literally it means tearing open the thin blanket of space and time that shields us from the terrors of a thousand eye-melting dimensions of unfathomable evil." -- Extract from a lecture I'm giving this evening, promoting Science to grade-schoolers.

-Watching ESPN today, I saw a score of 134-Love in the International Lawn Beaker Championships. Biology has a lot to learn from these plucky overweight Swedes and their mind-boggling scoring system. Evolution is like the Krankenbjorn before the third inning; if it doesn't get Skrimstag, then the Wiener Run can happen at any point after the clog-hop.

-Peg-Leg Pete has decided that he believes in metempsychosis, and that he was Edward Teach in a former life. What a retarded parrot I have. He's just unTeachable.

-Gave a fantastic lecture today at MIT. Waxed lyrical about Evolution, the Demon Frog, and the glories of science. And then do you know what happened? Some pimply dork in the front row ruined everything by asking a question about Dinosaurs. I didn't even acknowledge him with an insult as I tearfully clawed at his eye-sockets. Left the building immediately with my heads held high. Clearly that scallywag Gould has been here before me sowing the seeds of dystenery.

-Snails are totally boring and only loser biologists like Stephen Jay Gould study snails. I heard Hitler was a Gastropodologist of the first order. He named a unit of the S.S. after the Common German Mountain Slug. Just saying.

-Interesting observation: the Leaping Demon Frog of Santiago, which normally makes its home in the skulls of mummified Incan Kings, has recently been observed living quite comfortably in a store-bought apple-pie. My theory of evolutionary jumps has been vindicated. Also, touchy Thanksgiving this year. Am no longer allowed to do the shopping unattended.

-Had some toffee today with Richard Dawkins. Decided to re-animate the dead.

-Today I saw a tacitus voluptatis creeping among the bushes outside the Victoria's Secret. I didn't think they lived this far North. Global Warming is heating up more than the Earth's surface, mark my words...

-Played tennis today with Stephen Jay Gould. Don't like his serve or his theories. Also, managed to re-animate the dead.

-Peg-Leg Pete has also become a Creationist. He will disavow evolution in its entirety until I give him a cracker.

-Decided to name my re-animated corpse "the Wretch" because "Claude" just won't stick. Neither will the left arm, but we're working on that one.

-Charles Darwin! How a man who was born 200 years ago could be so misinformed about evolution is beyond me. There's nothing natural about nature's selection. Thinking about his jejune idea of the "survival of the fittest", I shot a fat man in the name of science. He survived, and more importantly, settled outside of court for a life-time's supply of my delicious chicken nuggets. One thing is perfectly clear: either Mr. Darwin is mad, or I am.

-Fed the Wretch some of my famous chicken nuggets. It looked at me with those horrible eyes and clearly found them lacking in fleshiness. He must be got rid of at once. Bought him a ticket to Montreal. I think he will enjoy the Just for Laughs festival, and more importantly, will fit in quite nicely once the dust settles.

-Gave a guest lecture at the College of the Humanities today. A student remarked that "even Newton believed in Alchemy and the Judgement Day." I reminded said student that Newton died a virgin, and that he would as well if he kept up that line. Shut him up good.

-Is there a room for both science and religion? It would have to have a mini-bar and a vibrating bed.

-It's an undeniable historical fact that the Catholic Church persecuted Galileo. What is regrettable about the situation was Galileo's acquiesence to the Inquisition. Why did he surrender the principles of scientific free thought for the dogma of the Church, merely to live out his life in bitterness? He should have been more proactive, invented lasers, and had his way with them.

-Got a cable from Wretch up in Montreal. Is having a lovely time, but made an unprovoked jab at my nuggets in favour of Poutine and Pâté Chinois. Must remind him who he can thank for his nuggets.

-Apparently physicists in Switzerland have observed particles travelling faster than the speed of light, disproving Einstein and all of modern scientifc thought. It's probably blown all out of proportion. Have decided to write a novel.

"Deep in the Catskill mountains, a small chalet teetered over a gentle rivulet. Here was the home of Buckminster Gregory Johnson, ex-biologist, war-hero, and ladies man..."

-The Wretch has found happiness at last. He's married a lovely Quebecois girl named Jacqueline and they are opening up a pataterie called "Café du Brains". They've asked for my nugget recipe after all. Am quite touched.