The Young Provocateur's Cookbook - A Guide to Wall Street

"A bas la république des lâches!"

-Bathroom stall-door, Gay Paris

"He iss madeh deh zhamefull beace, iss he? He is madeh de zhamevul beace? A Brest-Litovsk, yess? Aint yuh herd? He vinneh de vore."

-A tenderhearted Fascist

So you want to occupy Wall Street, tovarisch?

Before you set off dancing your carmagnoles and hoisting-up libertarian plant-life, make sure you are completely aware of the consequences. Remember, the smart agent does his research beforehand. Ask yourself the following questions:

• Do you really have the time and commitment to ambuscade a major metropolitan neighbourhood?

• Will you feed and walk it everyday, groom it every week, and take it to the vet for shots?

• Have you consulted your parents?

• Is anyone in your immediate vicinity allergic to fur or gabardine?

Keep in mind that Wall Street can grow very large, and can pull very hard on the leash. We therefore reccommend nobody under the (physical) age of twelve to make an attempt on Wall Street. If you find that Wall Street might be too much to handle at this point in your dialectic development, don't despair! The young Komsomolet can start practicing right away by occupying something a little smaller. Try overthrowing a bowl of sea-monkeys! Or maybe dad's new rumpus room!

Once you've truly decided you can handle the responsibility, the next step is to think out what we in the insurgent business call an angle. The best way to do this is to think big picture. Let your rage against the machine consume your every moment. In the classroom, throw darts at Washington Crossing the Delaware. For art-period, draw Godzilla eating the White House. After-school, stand in front of the mirror, take off your shirt, and look angry. Get really riled up. Think about that time in D&D you rolled a critical hit, only to drop your broadsword -- don't be timid, this is a Revolution after all! What is it that makes you really mad? Oppressive Religion? Boundless corporate Greed? Or is it more of of a visceral, Rottweileresque reaction to men in suits?

Whatever the answer, make sure it is prominently displayed on your placard. And just you forget Mrs. Dumplebottom's calligraphy course! Make those A-B-Cs look really G-R-R. The squigglier the better. Only bourgeois scum colour inside the lines. And nobody can stand that little miss protester who spells all of her words correctly. As for the colour of your glorious standard, we recommend a tasteful sea-foam green with a fuschia border. It's easy on the eyes and shows up nicely on-camera. Simple is the new smart!

If you're thinking about using a slogan, style always trumps sense. Analogic parallelism is a tried and true formula, and can render the most meaningless comparison into a Bolsheviki bra-buster: "My cat buries its poop - Why doesn't BP?" or "Arab Spring = American Fall!" Ominous statistics are also a sure winner, however tangential: "Only 10% of Americans eat AAA hamburgers...and we're the sliced cheese." For doodles, nothing has a more vivid impact on the political arena than well placed stink-lines. De l'audace, encore de l'audace, toujours de l'audace!

As you make a start on your field trip, you may hear names and phrases tossed about by your fellow busmates; things like privatization, organic pineapple, non-violent resistance, hemp beer, gaybortionism, climate change etc. etc. If you are unfamiliar with these terms, don't be put out. A simple set of class-conscious mnemonics will help you to navigate the meaning of every single Kontrovers they can conjure up:

"Leaves of three?

Overthrow the bourgeoisie!"

"Eenie-meenie-miny-mo,

the corporate fat-cats overthrow!"

"Red Sky at night, CEO's delight;

Red Sky in the morning is the CEO's warning."

Once you've gone out and begun to occupy Wall Street, you may find the romance of protest begins to lose its zest after a few minutes. Don't give up! Remember that you made a commitment, and stick to it. Just imagine how proud mumsy will be when she sews on that bright new Jacobin badge onto your sash. Won't yours be the most dashing Facebook picture on the block -- getting shoved into a SWAT car like that! Music is a great way to boost morale. We suggest a quiet, lilting melancholy tune about loss of teenage love as particularly relevant. Keep an eye out for notables on whom to latch your political ideals; the "guy with the beard braids" is always a good rallying point, as are the "hot chicks with dreads". You might even come across Zizek the Entertainer (accent on the Z!); a jolly looking buffon, something like an Eastern Bloc Santa Clause who dispenses socialistic train-sets and cymbals to eager radical children the world over.

The question remains as to the intended and actual effects of your political statement. Overthrow the whole government? Lead greedy CEO's to the guillotine? Save the platypodes? This course will have to be negotiated with your comrades-in-plaid as you go along. Keep in mind that when the Revolutionary tribunal takes power, mercy is always noted in the history books. Of course you will have to chop off a few blocks, but don't feel that you need to. An occasional lifetime sentence in the cider-bogs of Northern Manitoba will spice things up a bit. The Vanguard of the Middlebroletariat will have to maintain order and public services, so make sure you've got your Settlers of Catan strategy guide handy.

And so we bid the radical youth of today a hearty "ahem"! Strike up a chorus of the Internationale! Keep up the good fight. Don't lose your spirits. And above all else, keep off the lawn!