A Philosopher's Guide to Voting

Say what? Election day, is it? I'm not normally one for politics. As a follower of that great Stoic philosopher Paininthenes, I have ever sought to steel myself against the variations of fortune and fickleness. When something goes wrong -- let us supposons with the crapper-- I swallow my rage, clench my jaw, and, pinching my nose without haste or eagerness, enter into that noble state of ataraxia wherein all things are held in the palm of the hand - in this case, a plunger. The preceding analogy applies as well to government as any. For, as with a backed-up toilet, to blame government is not nearly so noble as to endure it. Ask me not whether I am for or against any man or party - readers, I am for myself. I can neither tell a member of the Gumption Party, from one of your Ghibelline boys so much in the news today.

Yet, admiring the ancients as I do, I one day felt a slight prick of conscience somewhere between my lower-back and spinal cord. I was thinking of Cicero ( I was carrying a Costco six-pack of mega-sized margarine). Voila un homme! There was a complete man. Who else, I asked myself in the condiment aisle, had so successfully combined the rigorous honesty of political office with the popular appeal of abstruse philosophy? Setting down my load at once I dashed to the nearest writing desk with the zeal of Thomas Jefferson on a cool Pennsylvania's morning. Quill in hand, and hand in pie, I composed the following definitions. They are above all for the thinking man who, in the height of his intellectual ecstasy, finds the rigamarole of modern politics too base to handle. I trust they will serve as patches, out of which an industrious philosophe can fashion a make-shift inflatable dingy to bear him from the halcyon shores of Philosophy over the rough and rather unaccommodating Sea of "Everyday Affairs".

Let us start then, ab ovo.

Man: According to Aristotle, man is a political animal. Hitherto the emphasis in translation has been that man is a political animal, whereas I believe it ought to be that man is a political animal. Similarly, man can be said to be an animal for anything he desires passionately and devours willingly. Thus just as in common parlance one man is a sex fiend, and another, a beast for the Cheetoh, man as a whole is bananas for politics.

Plankton: Not a political animal. Very much to its credit.

Politics: Originally the act of carrying an umbrella out on a sunny day just in case. Also, in common slang, refers to a very broad sphere of activities undertaken by a very narrow group of people.

Debate: A technological advancement in the state of nature (which is bellum omnium contra omnes - a war of all against all) whereby the death-dealing rock or pointed stick have been replaced by more civilized forms of argumentation e.g. the flinging of faecal matter (and others?).

University: A club for men with good taste and bad manners.

Prison: See University (above).

Government: A club for beating men with good taste and bad manners.

Women: A nuisance. In the last century have brought sanity, orderliness, and strong leadership to the political sphere, much to the detriment of Politics (see above).

Issue: Any numbered edition of a particular comic book. To "raise an issue" is a form of political rhetoric in which the moral import of an act by Spider-Man, Superman etc. is debated and judged by the discerning electorate.

Party: A verb roughly equivalent to "debauch". Also, a means of governing. In either case, man is as much a political animal as he is a party animal. See Gang Violence (below).

Education: At minimum, a mandatory fifteen years of training in the art of answering multiple choice questions as quickly as possible.

Voting: The carrying out of Education (above) in the sphere of everyday affairs.

Public Transportation: Transportation that looks, smells, feels, like a camel. Is not a camel.

Democracy: A fear of crowds and open spaces.

Agoraphobia: A form of government in which the common people determine their own policies. Representative Agoraphobia is the most common form available in today's market.

Canada: A country in the frozen North, ruled with an iron fist by Santa Claus, its eternal God-King.

Bail-out­: Synonym for "woops".

Arts and Culture: Anything having at all to do with Stephen Fry.

Ballot: An unused movie ticket. Often confused for a delicate form of European dance, or for Bail-out (above).

Gang Violence: A censure used by one group of thugs concerning the activities of another.

Results: A form of "special effects" used by politicians at convenient moments, question periods, etc.

Alas, I find, at this juncture, that I must stop. This yakking could go on forever, and then, when, je demande, would the real work get done? To the polls!