Archaeologists have recently uncovered a letter written to the Tenochitlan Times, an early Mayan newspaper, dated from approximately 700 CE. It appears to concern the traditional Mesoamerican ball game, which until now has remained unnamed. The piece, much of which is unfortunately lost to erosion and spittle, was found on what appears to be the Op-Ed section of the paper, and truly shows how much we have evolved as a species. The discoverers are very excited about the find, and as of publication appear to have knocked off early for a couple of pints.
The article, as it was found and translated, is printed below in its entirety.
Dear Sir,
I would like to complain in the strongest possible terms about the article in last week’s Times concerning the changes King Eighteen Rabbits has made to our noble sport of Traditional Mesoamerican Ball Game. In said article you made clear your stance that cutting out the heart of the captain of the winning team was the way of the past, and cutting out the heart of the captain of the losing team, as dictated by King Eighteen Rabbits, was the superior practice. Now, while I certainly don’t disagree that appeasing the wrath of Quetzalcoatl with the death of the defeated captain is the current vogue, it is not a fashion that I believe suits the noble traditions of Traditional Mesoamerican Ball Game. In any case, what right does our hereditary King have in changing the rules of our hereditary game? All I can say is, I know I didn’t vote for him.
And what has happened to our youth that they would accept such a change, and indeed celebrate it? Back in my day, it was considered a great honour to have your still-beating heart wrenched from your chest to the applause of the nation and watch helplessly as it was set on fire moments before you were beheaded. Men trained their entire lives to be able to have that single moment of joy in knowing that their disembodied head would soon be tumbling down the 365 steps of the temple. What kids today seem to lack is a proper notion of hard work and sacrifice. We’re being too soft on our kids, teaching them that only the losers should be killed rather than the truth that made our society great – that the winners get to be killed.
And now they’re letting women play too? Now, I’m not a sexist – some of my best friends are women! So I’m the first to admit that a woman can be sacrificed to a violent god of fire as well as any man, but we can’t simply throw out our traditions. What’s best for society and for our families is that our wives, mothers, and daughters stay in their traditional societal place at the top of active volcanoes and leave the ritualized proxy for warfare to the men. This is just another example of the feminization of men in this increasingly politically correct nation. Once we make it “wrong” to keep women from sacrificing their lives in a brutal blood-sport, what else will the reverse sexist feminazis [Translation here is loose (ed.)] do to make the world more difficult for men? Start doing the disemboweling themselves? Not on my watch.
In fact, when I was a boy, [Fragment lost – 2 pages] and then the salamander got into the ratchet hole –RIGHT NEXT TO THE PIG!
As a Born-Again Quetzacoatlian, I see it as an offense to Our Lord along the highest order that his ceremonies are mocked in this way, with the sacrifice consisting only of the second best player’s heart. And I certainly don’t think that that’s a practice that should be seen broadcast on Public Temple Programming!!!!! Think of the children, many of whom go to the temple hoping to see a harmless, family-friendly, traditional dismemberment, and wind up viewing the perverted practice of the slaughter of the losing captain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also, chocolate is getting sweeter and rubber is getting softer, and someone should do something about that. Maybe those new Spaniards can help – they seem to know what’s what! No newfangled notions of not-killing-people-in-brutal-
Sincerely,
Sargent-Major (Ret.) Xablanque Zipanca
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