Still, never one to balk at a deal, I was in the middle of loading up Doré-filled telephone book reprints of the world's classics into my potato sack when I hit the Austen pile. Now, I'm no Darcyophile, but even my untrained eye could detect something awry in the cover of Pride and Prejudice - I think I distinctly and clearly read and Zombies afterwords. Neither wasted nor psychotic at that particular moment, my good genius spoke, and warned me to be on the look out for SATIRE.
It suddenly occurred to me that some Wiseacre Willy was trying to have FUN with the CLASSICS. I suppose I can understand the particular post-pubescent glee of this goomba who decided in one fine, Red Bull spattered afternoon's cram session that some Zombies would be cool right about now. Unfortunately, this sort of thing never occurs in isolation. Imagine my chagrin when I found the following pamphlet in the back of the aforementioned volume:
Book Reviews: Quirk Classics!
This week I review several new releases from the Quirk Classics series. From the people who brought you Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, Android Karenina, and Sense and Sensibility and Seamonsters, comes a whole new batch of classic literature - with a macabre twist!
Bram Stoker's Dracula ... and Vampires!
The time I waited seemed endless, and I felt doubts and fears crowding upon me. What sort of place had I come to, and among what kind of people? Did they have fangs? Turn into bats? Did they drink, like, blood? Because that would make them vampires. What sort of grim adventure was it on which I had embarked? Was it a vampire hunting mission? Because I saw like, 12 vampires on the way here, not to mention their zombie underlings. Was this a customary incident in the life of a solicitor's clerk sent out to explain the purchase of a London estate to a foreigner? Solicitor's clerk! More like vampires' clerk! Mina would not like that.
I know what you are thinking - why would anyone want to read some old stuffy Victorian love story like Stoker's snooze inducing Dracula? Well, what if I told you they added some freakin' VAMPIRES to the mix? That boring trip to the Carpathians just got way more intense for demon hunter Jonathan Harker. And if you are the kind of guy who can't stand a slow epistolary love story, they've added just enough fang and cross fight scenes to get your BLOOD really boiling! A must-read for classic and vampire lovers alike.
Hamlet, Prince of Denmark ... and Ghosts!
Whether 'tis Nobler in the mind to suffer
The Slings and Arrows of outrageous poltergeists,
Or to take Arms against a Sea of ectoplasm,
And by ghost-busting, end them!
Shakespeare's most boring play just got what it needed - a gang of crazy ghosts. That's right, it turns out the dreary old Danish castle haunted! it's up to whiny princeling Hamlet and his lovable dog Pastrami to solve the mystery of the 7 Ghosts of Elsinore! No more soliloquies and thees and thous - this play's now got MURDER and THE UNDEAD going for it.
Treasure Island ... and Pirates!
Couldn't understand what was going on in the original? Sick and tired of that thick Scottish/Irish/Whatever accent getting in the way of everything? Well, Robert Louis Stevenson's classic story about a sea-faring lad and his alcoholic companions just got a much needed dose of PIRATES! Come about the S.S. Arrgh, Matey! as young Jim faces off against a bunch of lecherous drunks, only to be saved in the final moments by some swash-buckling, ninja-slaying pirates. A much needed positive revamp of this tired and depressing Victorian tale of substance abuse and pederasty.
And don't miss our other upcoming titles, including:
Beowerewulf
Homer's the Odyssey ... And Cyclopses!
Dante's Inferno...IN HELL!
The Call of Cthulhu and Sea-Demons!
Hegel's Phenomenology of Ghost Busting!
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