A Guide to Ottawa (city)

The city of Ottawa, renowned for its Shawarmas and Parliament, belongs to the Queen of England, and comprises over 999 internet connections, diverse churches, a civic hospital, a market, one or two museums, a library, and a Pub, where the beer is good. The canal which flows through the city is called the “Rideau”, and serves in the summer for bathing; the water is very cold and is at one point so wide that that my friend Spencer has to take a really big run just to jump over it. The city itself is beautiful, and appears especially picturesque  when one has turned one’s back on it. It must be very old, because I remember when I graduated three years ago and was shortly thereafter banned from University property, it already had that grave all-knowing look, and was full of parking inspectors, poodles, dissertations, pot-lucks, yoga moms, course-packs, poutine, ultimate frisbee clubs, grad students driving Hyundais, weed pipes, civil servants, public servants, government workers, litigators, and other gators as well. 

Ottawa's lone pub

Some believe that the city was founded during the times of the great native migrations,with every tribe leaving a carbon copy of its members behind, and hence the origin of all those Algonquins, Ravens, GeeGees etc. that to this day wander on Elgin street in bands, distinguished by the colour of their popped collars and cell-phone cases, on the bloody warpath to Centretown, Somerset, and the Market, where they are always lunging at one another. In manners and customs still true to those of the old tribes, they are governed partly by chiefs (which are called “4th years” in their lingo), and partly by their ancient law-lore, styled the “FAQ”, which well deserves a place among the leges barbarorum.

Parliament Hill, where the King lives.

In general, the inhabitants of Ottawa can be roughly  divided into: 

1) students 2) civil servants 3) philistines and 4) black squirrels, but among these groups there is no sharp distinction. The most important are the black  squirrels.  It would be too off-topic to name all the different students and all the different permanent and contract civil servants; with regards to the students, I cannot recall the name of each one at this moment. As for the civil servants, there are many that have no names at all. The number of philistines in Ottawa must be very numerous, perhaps like the sand, or better yet, the mud on the banks of a great river. Truly, when I saw them mornings with their unshaven faces and white dress-shirts before the gates of the ***** du *******, I could scarcely believe that Natural Selection could have “selected”  so many goombas.

A proud member of the public service (contract worker)

Additional details about the city of Ottawa can be conveniently found on the Ottawa wikipedia entry, graciously ghost-written by ex-mayor Larry O’Brien. Although I personally owe the highest obligations to the author, who was my used-car dealer of choice, I nevertheless cannot claim his work to be without fault, and I cannot protest enough against the false opinion that it has barely gainsaid, namely, that the women of Ottawa have extraordinarily large feet.

 In fact, I have been campaigning for years and a day against this particular prejudice, and have to that purpose watched youtube clips on comparative anatomy, cited the most obscure books from the Ottawa Public Library, and indeed studied for hours on end the feet of women walking along Elgin street. In the learned treatise which shall emerge from these exhaustive studies, I intend to discuss:

1. feet in general
2. feet in antiquity 
3. the feet of Mooses 
4. the feet of Ottawa women
5. I collect together everything that was said about women’s feet at The Lieutenant’s Pump 
6. I look at their feet in relation to other body parts, and take this opportunity to enlarge upon knees,thighs etc. and finally 
7. if I can find enough printer ink, I will follow these chapters with several beautiful coloured pictures of Ottawa women’s feet on glossy paper.