The following style-guide was written by my late professor Dr. Jenkins Bunkum at old P.U. The
laws of Dr. Bunkum's class were both simple and inspiring; think for yourself,
be yourself, and follow "my little book" or face summary expulsion and a kiss from the nine-tails. Ah, how we learned! Being the famous children's
novelist that I am (humble author of Winona's Nest and Kris the Ol' Pumpkin) I feel completely secure in revealing his secrets to style,
writing, and academic hoodwinkery to the world. Your children have already purchased my
books. I can pretty much retire on a big sack of money, mostly extracted from
the pockets of tittering malnourished school-children who devour my literary
pixie-sticks with the same manic ecstasy that they watch cartoon lizards fight
robot koalas. I feel like Dr. Bunkum gave me both the impetus to deceive America's youth, and moreover, the technical skill-set to do so. Note that this is only a
guide, and will give you access to mere technical proficiency. You'd have to be
a real genius to write like me though. I was born, not made. - T.E. Tightwad.
Rule number 1) Omit
needless concision. Excess is the bane of writing. One must be as concise
as legally possible. When a police officer stops you, what do you think will
get you off the hook: telling him your sob-story about the time Uncle
Sordello smacked you with a baguette at the wedding, or answering with a simple "yes
officer"? The answer is neither, especially if the question is "do
you have any illegal substances on your person". The only language of the
law, and it is the same with writing, is baksheesh. Accordingly the real
first rule is to work-over your reviewers with gift baskets filled with exotic
shampoos named after fruits, and exotic fruits named after diseases. This is
the only way.
Rule number 2) Where,
wear, weir, or ware? It is important to distinguish between homonyms.
However, this is difficult. Therefore, simply avoid using any word that sounds
like any other word. This will save you countless grunts of confusion when you
are laying out your carefully crafted manuscript for the mongoloid reading
public. Do not use homonyms in the vicinity of Conservatives; it affronts their
vowel-u system.
Rule number 3) Omit
needless letters. Wy bother with loz of uzlez leters? They mrly fil up
prcius spac. B cncis.
Rule number 4) Never
use a Latinate style when will do just as well a Saxon. Remember that
English is a motley, disgusting language. It has absorbed the infected words of
foreign influence much like an ingrown toenail, and with as much puss. Latin
words are jargony, confusing, and slightly homoerotic. Always prefer the vigour
of the Saxon tongue. No homo. Consider for example, the excess verbosity that comes with a penchant for Latino-Gallicism in writing with regards to the
following phrase:
"The
dirunal motion of bio-phospherescent quintillian has determined that
luminescent prescience terminates intermittently; on the other hand, biopsy
proliferates the idea that conscience dominates prosperously."
Now, would it
not be a pleasant yuk to see how clearly that muddle becomes when we use a simple, basic, vigorous Saxon-based English instead? Observe:
"Brecht iG
yog Taggetyme, cutty-open handfull longsee end whales-road and bloodhsield!!!
Yagger can, ib þrashug in stalemate yon
gewinnen!!!"
Check-mate.
Rule number 5) The
active voice is to be used. Nobody likes a passive-aggressive writer. Women
find it repulsive; use a passive construction on a conjugal visit, and I
guarantee you will be turned out from the boudoir like a bell-boy with stale bran muffins and a roving eye. But how does one tell the difference between the
passive and the active voice?
A good trick is to pretend that you are writing
dispatches for some manly or war-like maneouvre. If it seems too polite or perambulatory
for the battlefied, too verbose for getting the attention of your bandillero at the bull-fight, too forced and overwrought to convince to woman in your arms that it is you, you you who she must never forget, you with your deadly musk and devil-may care attitude, you who took that hill and with a half bottle of Chianti and cold spaghetti waiting for you in the rain as your only reward, if there is even the slightest hint of an extra syllable that, in the face of the Revolutionary Tribunal, you use with an incorrect and altogether aristocratic accent of the ancien regime, if, at the guillotine, your words to the crowd are a bit too windy and the guy in the front row screams "off with it already, mate!", if all this is true of the world of manly action, then it is the same for your prose style.
A note on
plagiarism -
Do not plagiarize. Plagiarism constitutes the most heinous crime in all of
academic Christendom. You will be expelled, tortured, beaten with blackjacks
and thrown to the University mascot, Charlie the Insane Baboon, if you so much
as incline your head towards a Wikipedia article without the proper citations.
But what IS plagiarism? And how can you avoid it? Plagiarism is defined as
using another's words or ideas without proper citation of your source. In fact,
nobody can avoid plagiarism. Did you really think that idea up all by yourself?
I'm pretty sure you didn't. You're what, 16? Yea. Even if you can't remember
your source, that's plagiarism. Maybe you heard a bum say it on the curb. Maybe
I said it. Cite us! When in doubt, cite! And cite properly. One slip up in your
footnote, one misplaced comma, and you might as well have handed in a verbatim copy of Wuthering
Heights as your final paper. You will be tried and shot fairly.
But that doesn't
just mean you can cite everything you copy and call that a paper. Oh no, Mr.
Joe. You have to put it in your own words. Did you invent the word
"ambition"? No? Then who the fuck do you think you are, just bandying
it around like that? Cite! And if you really want to use your own words, do so.
Instead of the phrase, "MacBeth has overweening ambition", try
"MacGrumbleboo hanks oblledingle clambakeism". See how far that gets
you. Putz.
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