Things I Happen to Know

I know damn well wasps like ketchup,

I know a man by his cap,

I know an awesome time from a fuck up,

I know a pine tree’s got sap,

I know a hobo from a chap,

I know a Quebecois by his “oui?”

I know a wink from a slap.

I know it all, but not me.

I know the smoker by his smell,

I know the hipster by his taste,

I know a liar by his "well...",

I know the student’s life (a waste)

I know a slutty top from a chaste

I know a neckbeard goes with geeks

I know a hot wing by its glaze

I know it all, but not me.

I know a Costco from a Loblaws

I know a Mac from a PC

I know safe drugs by the bylaws

I know a pug dog is wheezy

I know a cat by my sneezing

I know a public servant’s card-key

I know a good book from a sleazy

I know it all, but not me.

Cheap or expensive, willing or loath,

Boss, I know everything, see?

I know Death comes for us both

I know it all, but not me.