The Shadow over Goonsmouth

子曰、飽食終日、無所用心、難矣哉、不有博弈者乎、為之猶賢 乎已。

'The Master said, 'Hard is it to deal with him, who will stuff himself with food the whole day, without applying his mind to anything good! Are there not gamesters and chess players? To be one of these would still be better than doing nothing at all.'

-Analects, 17.22

Deep in the wooded depths of the Ottawa Valley lies a certain townhouse complex; therein are many units smelling of this or that fried delicacy. However, down at its furthest end, at the door of unit 667, there issues no immediate smell -- of cooking. Yet this was my goal. A rhythmic knock brings a dark hooded figure to the entrance; he slowly opens the gateway and ushers me in with the archaic, nasal dialect of his sect: "Hail, hail." I hailed. Inside, the rooms bespeak sacred rites not bound by social laws of cleanliness or hygiene. Holy books clutter my path as I make my way to the inner sanctum.

My eyes are immediately lifted to the icon of a howling warrior deity plastered on the wall with clear reverence. I use my rudimentary knowledge of Old Nerdish to decipher the gothic script beneath the ghastly Kali-esque image: "Bloody Kombat XV: Voyage to Kill-o-polis". Quickly a chorus of hails snaps my attention to the scene at hand. Along two ancient Ikea couches sit three acolytes equally male, hooded, and neck-bearded, with eyes empty of all save reverence for their avatar. The middle table contains bowls of cheesy-puffed offerings, high-octane sodas, and the mystic scribblings of their latest devotions. At the head, in an armchair of blood-curdling antiquity and historical bespatterment, sits the High Bishop. "Welcome and hail, Brother in Ghanos!" I had done it. I had found at last the remnants of the Old School Nerd Cult.

History would seem to have all but dispensed with the cultural significance of asceticism. That the Monks of Ireland and Old Europe saved Latinate culture through the Dark Ages and into the Carolingian Renaissance is well attested. Ascetic principles, both coenobitic and anchoritic, have played major moves in the chess game of world history and its progress. Yet the modern era seems scarcely aware of its few remnants. We have taken what we like from their doctrines and outer shells, and have tossed aside the inner meaning behind the sweet melismatic chants of the Gregorian era.

Yet most asceticism has been bound in some way with the religions of the Old World. Up until very recently, the Old Nerds were among the few genuinely modern and flourishing examples of asceticism in the later 20th century. Its origins lie in the spiritual reactions of a few deep souls, usually students of mathematics, sciences, and what became computer studies, who though wise in mortal knowledge yet felt resistance against the trending pull of the North American magnetism, that is against materialism, greed, and money. They besought truth from the outer reaches of the Universe in Space, or the sacred archetypes of man's fantastical Mythologies.

The true Patriarchs of the cult had already inscribed the canons and sacred texts by the 50's-60's. Conversion and martyrdom were the first fruits of the 70's. Bullies persecuted the Nerds with a sadistic, Neronian taste for cruelty. According to one of their most respected Theologians, St. Pointdexter, "the sect was built on the wedgies of the martyred." During the 80's regulations of the various orders had been set down; the most significant, among others, were the Ordo Sci-Fiensis, Ordo Fantasticus, and the Ordo Nintendoensis. The present cult of Ghanos which I am studying is a descendant of the last, but, as with many other religious orders, has adopted the eclecticism and protectionist tendencies of a decadent age. As a last, withered branch on a dying tree, they feel the heritage of all Nerdom is their domain.

The Nerds have seen a sickening debasement of their religion no less astounding than the Protestant Reformation. The old rites of true Nerdom have spread to the populace in crude new forms. "Noobs and posers, the lot of them!" I heard one acolyte exclaim. "What do they know of long hours alone, level grinding through the dark soul of the night?" What was once a tacit and subdued display of religious fervour has became a socially acceptable party favour. Who among you has not played on one of the new-fangled systems, a Ninetnedo Woo, Chex-Box, or Playstation Drei? The Old Nerds however stick solely to the oldest systems; Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis, Gameboy; and the true adepts of the sect play only the original Nintendo Entertainment System and Commodore 64.

Maybe the more adventurous of my readers have even embarked upon a little game of Dungeons and Dragons once in a while, with drinks, good company, and a hearty acceptance of its silliness? Something you can boast about to your friends later, saying how "super nerdy" you are with a wink and a sly reference to your dispensed virginity? Yet therein lies a great gulf; for a true Old Nerd, these things are deadly serious. Chastity, study, and reverence for the import of the Old Rites - these are the holiest of virtues to the sect. Their gaming domain has since been taken over largely by competing sub-cultures: The Frats, The Students, The Izzy-Goths and The Claustro-Goths, Metal-Heads, the Jocks, and even that most antithetical of sects to the Nerd, that is, the Celebrity or Popular Culture sect, has embraced the gaming culture. With such temptations at hand, even Nerds themselves began to fall into apostasy. Some shaved and married. Others joined up with the aforementioned subcultures. Only a small, dedicated core remained true to the old teachings.

Particularly disturbing to Old Nerds is the trend of "girl gamers". That females are strictly forbidden and cast out from all Nerdom is one of their most cherished commandments. "It is the key to the entire Mystery of our Brotherhood," explained the High Bishop. "It is through the sublimation of Earthly desires, especially that one..." and here he glanced down-wards, "That is the Way. That is where the fervour and devotion comes from. That is the key to the Old School, to beating Wizardry 1-2-3, to playing through decade long campaigns, to achieving the ecstatic heights of union with Ghanos!" He continued to harangue against the heresies of Geek Chic, Cosplay, Gamer Weddings, and all such petty fraternizing. "Mere shells without meat" he said.

I asked the High Bishop if he saw a future for the sect. He grimly shook his head. "We do not breed" he said with a hint of longing. "Our doctrines are dissipated and watered down among the masses, preventing new converts. Our spirits and our teachings may live on piecemeal, but the time of the Old Ones has come to an end. It is a new age dawning, and while we seek unity in the timeless bosom of Ghanos, the rest of the world must fend for itself. Perhaps there will come a time, as the prophets predict," and here he took a puff from his inhaler, "Perhaps, when the Phoenix of Dorkdom shall arise once more from the ashes of hedonism and success. Hail Ghanos!" I left the Nerds a sadder and wiser man, feeling a mix of regret, melancholy, and indigestion.